Click here to submit jokes, updated on Friday, July 18, 2008
Cell Phone vs. BIBLEI wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our cell phone?
Fig Leaf Found
Submitted by Ninfa DePalma
A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination
at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.
He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up
and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been
pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago. "Momma, look what I found!"
the boy called out.
"What do you have there?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's
underwear!"
Five
Finger Prayer
This is so neat. I had never heard this before and it is
surely worth making the 5 finger prayer a part of our lives.
1. Your thumb is nearest you. So begin your prayers by praying
for those closest to you. They are the easiest to remember. To pray for our
loved ones is, as C. S. Lewis once said, a "sweet duty."
2. The next finger is the pointing finger. Pray for those who
teach, instruct and heal. This includes teachers, doctors, and ministers.
They need support and wisdom in pointing others in the right direction. Keep
them in your prayers.
3. The next finger is the tallest finger. It reminds us of our
leaders. Pray for the leaders in government, business and industry, and
administrators. These people shape our nation and guide public opinion. They
need God's guidance.
4. The fourth finger is our ring finger. Surprising to many is the
fact that this is our weakest finger, as any piano teacher will testify. It
should remind us to pray for those who are weak, in trouble or in pain. They
need your prayers day and night. You cannot pray too much for them.
5. And lastly comes our little finger - the smallest finger of
all which is where we should place ourselves in relation to God and others.
As the Bible says, "The least shall be the greatest among you." Your pinkie
should remind you to pray for yourself. By the time you have prayed for the
other four groups, your own needs will be put into proper perspective and
you will be able to pray for yourself more effectively.
Submitted by JoAnn Chambers
Spiritual Vitamins –
Remember to take yours everyday!
Anxious? Take Vitamin A
"All things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)
Blue? Take Vitamin B
"Bless the Lord, 0 my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name." (Psalm 103:1)
Crushed? Take Vitamin C
"Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you." (I Peter 5:7)
Depressed'? Take Vitamin D
"Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." (James 4:8)
Empty'? Take Vitamin E
"Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise. Give thanks to him, bless his name." (Psalm 100:4)
Fearful? Take Vitamin F
"Fear not, for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God." (Isaiah 4 1:1 0)
Greedy? Take Vitamin G
"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, Will be put unto your lap; for the measure you give will be the measure you get back." (Luke 6:38)
Hesitant? Take Vitamin H
"How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of the messenger who announces peace, who brings good news, who announces salvation, who says to Zion, 'Your God reigns."' (Isaiah 52:7)
Insecure? Take Vitamin I
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)
Jittery? Take Vitamin J
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." (Hebrews 13:8)
Know nothing? Take Vitamin K
"Know this, that the Lord is God, it is He that made us and not we ourselves." (Psalm 100:3)
Lonely? Take Vitamin L
"Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age."
(Matthew 28:20)
Mortgaged? Take Vitamin M
"My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)
Nervous? Take Vitamin N
"Never, no never will I leave you or forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5)
Overwhelmed? Take Vitamin 0
"Overcome evil with good." (Romans 12:21)
Perplexed or puzzled? Take Vitamin P
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid." (John 14:27)
Quitting? Take Vitamin Q
"Quit you like men, be strong." (I Corinthians 16:13)
Restless? Take Vitamin R
"Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him." (Psalm 37:7)
Seared? Take Vitamin S
"Stay with me, and do not be afraid; for the one who seeks my life seeks your life; you will be safe with me." (I Samuel 22:23)
Tired? Take Vitamin T
"Those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31)
Uncertain? Take Vitamin U
Understand that I am (the Lord). Before me no god was formed, nor shall there be any after me." (Isaiah 43:10)
Vain? Take Vitamin V
"Vexed with unclean spirits; and they were healed every one." (Acts 5:16)
Wondering what to do? Take Vitamin W
"What does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" (Micah 6:8)
eXhausted? Take Vitamin X
"Exercise thyself rather unto godliness." (I Timothy 4:7)
Yearning for hope? Take Vitamin Y
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for you art with me; Your rod and your staff, they comfort me," (Psalm 23:4)
Zapped? Take Vitamin Z
"Zealous for good deeds." (Titus 2:14)
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES
Submitted by Ray Van Velsor
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. “All right children, let’s take another example,’ she said. “If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his billfold with all his money what would I be?”
Little Josh raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, You’d be his wife!”
******************
A young Clergyman, fresh out seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations of his future parishioners if he first took a job as a policeman. He passed the physical examination, then faced an oral exam designed to test his ability to act quickly and smartly in an emergency. One of the questions read, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?” He thought for a moment and then wrote, “I would take up a collection.”
Catholic
Horses
Submitted by Glenn Riedel
One day while he was at the
track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest
who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses
lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough,
the priest stepped out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and
placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses Mitch made a beeline for
the window, and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed
won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest
would bless for the 6th race.
Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses, and
they always came in first.
Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his
wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM,
withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him
which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race
and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.
Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.
Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track , and when he found the
priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and
they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you,
I've lost all my savings!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants!
You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.
God answers Knee-Mail.
A man walking on the beach was deep in prayer. Then God spoke to him saying that because he had always been faithful, one wish would be granted to him.
The man said he wanted a bridge to Hawaii so he could drive there. God said his materialistic wish was too difficult and it would take too many natural resources, and that he should think of another wish.
The man thought for a time, then said he wished that he could understand his wife, know her feelings, what she wants, and why she gives him the silent treatment and says nothing is wrong.
The Lord thought, then replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
Seven
Wonders of the World
A group of students studied the "Seven Wonders of the Modern World." At the
end of the lesson, the students were asked to list what they considered to
be the seven wonders:
1. Suez Canal
2. Dneproges (a hydroelectric station, central Ukraine USSR)
3. Atomic Energy Research Establishment, Harwell, England
4. Alaska (ALCAN) Highway
5. Golden Gate Bridge
6. Eiffel Tower
7. Empire State Building
While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student, a quiet girl,
hadn't turned in her paper yet. She asked the girl if she was having trouble
with her list.
The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because
there were so many!"
The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."
The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the 'Seven Wonders of the World'
are:
1. To touch
2. To taste
3. To see
4. To hear."
She hesitated a little, "and then,
5. To run
6. To laugh
7. To love."
It is far too easy for us to look at the exploits of human beings and refer
to them as "wonders" while we overlook all God has done, regarding them as
merely "ordinary."
May you be reminded today of those things which are truly wondrous.
- Author unknown.
Submitted by Chris South
Grace Humor Corner
"A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov 17:22a)
I've Been Looking for One Of These (Submitted by Dorothy Sayers) I stopped by my church in time for Communion. As I left my pew to approach the altar, I spotted this sign on the wall: “Please don't leave your personal things unattended lest someone assume that these are the answers to their prayers.” Bienvenido Gonzalez
Two Kinds of People "Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world... There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
God answers Knee-Mail.
I've Been Looking for One Of These (Submitted by Dorothy Sayers) I stopped by my church in time for Communion. As I left my pew to approach the altar, I spotted this sign on the wall: “Please don't leave your personal things unattended lest someone assume that these are the answers to their prayers.” Bienvenido Gonzalez
Two Kinds of People "Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world... There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
Revelation 3:20
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote: "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message: "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
Odd leaders
Vacation Bible school had just finished, and the pastor took a moment during
Sunday worship to recognize the program’s success. Reporting the attendance, he
went on to say: “We also had 20 odd leaders and volunteers working.” As one of
those leaders, yes, I suppose we were a little odd!
It’s the old family pew shake
My mother has four daughters. We always sat third pew from the front, on the right. Our mom was the church secretary. One Christmas Eve, the organist played the introduction to Hark! The Herald Angels Sing with great fanfare, using the rousing refrain of the hymn. When the rest of us started in on the verse, my sister Donna belted out the words to the tune of the refrain, very enthusiastically. One by one we collapsed in laughter. Sputtering, snorting, shoulders shaking. In our family, it’s called “a pew shake.”
This question has been posed by environmental groups: If Jesus were walking the earth today, what car would he drive if he got tired of walking?
One theory holds that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."
Dodge pickup trucks were also popular in heaven’s carpool, as evidenced by the warning to Moses’ followers not to go up a mountain "until the Ram’s horn sounds a long blast."
But most scholars agree that Jesus favored Honda, since it is written that, following his lead, "The Apostles were in one Accord."
A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."
A little boy was
attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many
women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that
he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said:
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot.
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One Lutheran student in the balcony' jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, " I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at a Lutheran Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?
There was this $20 dollar
bill and a 1 dollar bill on the conveyor belt at the downtown Federal Reserve
Building.As they were lying there side by side the $1 dollar bill said to the 20
dollar bill, "Hey mannnnnn, where have you been. I haven't seen you in a long
time?"
The $20 dollar bill replied, "Man I have been having a ball! I been traveling to
distant countries, going to the finest restaurants, to the
biggest and best casinos, numerous boutiques, the mall uptown, the mall
downtown, the mall across town and even a mall that I just newly built. "In
fact, just this week I've been to Europe, a professional NBA game, rodeo, the
all-day retreat spa, the top-notch hair salon and the new casino! I have done it
all!!!"
After describing his great travels, the $20 dollar bill asked the $1 dollar
bill, "What about you? Where have you been?"
The $1 dollar bill replied, "Well, I've been to the Baptist church, the
Methodist church, the Presbyterian church, the Episcopalian church, the Church
of God in Christ, the Catholic church, the Mormon church, the Disciple of Christ
church, the Church of Christ, the.."
"WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A MINUTE!!" shouted the $20 dollar bill to the $1 dollar
bill. "What's a church?"
A man and his wife were having a discussion about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee." The man said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." His wife replied, " No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Her husband replied, "I can’t believe that, show me." So, she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS!"
For Safety’s Sake
Do NOT ride in cars; they cause 20% of all fatal accidents.
Do NOT stay home; 17% of all accidents occur in the home.
Do NOT walk on streets or sidewalks; 14% of all accidents happen to pedestrians
Do NOT travel by air, rail, or water; 16% of all accidents happen on these.
Only 0.001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are related to previous physical disorders. Hence, the safest place for you to be at any time is in the church. Go to Church!! IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!
You Know you’re a Lutheran when:
1. You hear something really funny during the sermon and you smile as loudly as you can.
2. It’s 100 degrees with 90% humidity, and you still have coffee after the service.
3. Doughnuts are a line item in the church budget, just like coffee.
4. The communion cabinet open to all, but the coffee cabinet is locked up tight.
5. All your relatives graduated from a school named Concordia or Luther.
6. You watch a “Star Wars” movie and they say, “May the force be with you,” and you respond “and also with you.”
7. You actually understand those folks from Lake Wobegon, MN.
8. It takes ten minutes to say “goodbye”.
Hymns for the Over 50 Crowd
Precious Lord, Take my Hand and Help me up
It is Well with My Soul, But My Knees Hurt
Nobody knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
Just a Slower Walk With Thee
Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak UP
Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah, I’ve Forgotten Where I Parked
Hymns for the Highway
45 mph “God Will Take Care of You”
55mph “Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah”
65mph “Nearer My God to Thee”
75mph “Nearer, Still Nearer”
85mph “This World is Not My Home”
95mph “Lord, I’m Coming Home”
100+ mph “Precious Memories”
The Lighter Side of Talking to God
A man walking on the beach was deep in prayer. Then God spoke to him saying that because he had always been faithful, one wish would be granted to him.
The man said he wanted a bridge to Hawaii so he could drive there. God said his materialistic wish was too difficult and it would take too many natural resources, and that he should think of another wish.
The man thought for a time, then said he wished that he could understand his wife, know her feelings, what she wants, and why she gives him the silent treatment and says nothing is wrong.
The Lord thought, then replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
Seven Wonders of the World